The Wanna be Ex-Wallflower

Dear Friend, I've re-started writing this five times now. I know what I want to tell you, I know what I want to say but the question is how. I'd like to think you don't know who I am. I'd like to think you can hear the words your reading right now in head, like the small voice of your subconscious reaching up and tapping your shoulder, somehow getting your attention. I have a dream that I can reach out and touch souls, and speak to them, heal them. Crazy right, I know. It's my gift. Right now there is feeling coursing through my veins, and I hope by the time you've finished reading this, you feel it too, its a great feeling. There is a story I want to tell you most of all right now, before I jump to the present. It's a story about a girl, a little girl, so afraid of getting hurt she forgot to live. By the time she realized what was going on it was almost to late for her. Anyway,growing up this girl, had the problems at home that make teachers nervous, but some how she could smile. She had fun, she loved her friends, she was brave. It was in middle school everything changed for her. She was broken down. She was hurt pretty bad, not physically, not anything gut wrenching but it was bullies as usual. The little girl didn't understand why anyone could be so mean, so she shut down, she became a loner, ate her feelings, and only stood up when her friends needed her. It was a strange sight to see, a girl suffocating her own spirit, nearly dousing her own fire. She fought hard to stay afloat and worked on her grades, and hoped and prayed for High School, more kids to disappear behind. Funny things happened though, She joined a sports team, I wont say which, but she did, and she made friends again. She made a few but kept them at a distance. She kept everyone at a distance really except two people. Lets call them Sam and Patrick. If you've read Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" you recognize the names. Well Sam was a year older, a grade older, and was amazing, she was funny, talented with a flute, and wickedly smart. Kind of reminds me of Sam in the book really,anyway, she included the girl. Sam taught the girl how to breathe again. Reminded her what it was like to have a female friend who didn't stab you in the back. Now Patrick wasn't her brother, they weren't related like Chobsky's pair, but thinking back on it now...they were more like Sam and Patrick than anyone would ever realize. Sam was in Lab Bio with the girl, and so was Patrick. The two girls would bond, like a mother hen and her chick. Patrick however was a different story, well not so different. Just a little closer to the girl. They'd known each other well, and were friends off and on. It wasn't until High school, freshman year that they realized how close they would be. Patrick was the girls best friend. He'd be the one to save her in a lot of ways for the longest time. He was the one who got her on her feet again after middle school. By the time they walked together at graduation and left the school behind she was determined to change it all. She was so determined to break this shell, and cycle,she changed herself. She gave up everything she'd come to love, she stopped singing, she stopped writing for fun, she stopped dancing, she stopped joking. All she did was the bare minimum to skate by. She became the floater, never trying harder than she had to. her grades hovered and dropped precariously. As long as she could occasionally laugh, love and be free she didn't care...but it was an empty life, wearing the rose colored glasses. The girl fell in love for her first time in her Sophomore year, it was the happiest she believed she'd ever been, but she was wrong. It ended exactly 1 year and 1 day after they got together, and she was devastated. The foundation of her house of cards came apart. She was broken again and hated it. After getting some help, she realized what's happened. She gave up everything for her friends, she changed herself, and dropped everything that made her happy. I'm not that girl anymore. I've moved on. I've healed. Healing is a wonderful experience, trying but wonderful. I'm happier now than I have ever been. I'm determined to fix it all. I have never felt more like myself in one moment than I do right now. To borrow the words from Chbosky's Charlie I feel infinite. We waste our time trying to be anything more than ourselves. We give up when the work is piled high, we don't care what gold hides inside the experience. We think putting people down, and dressing like we are sexy super stars means we matter. But none of that matters! What matters is being ourselves and living each second of everyday, feeling infinite. Remember the goal is not to arrive safely at the grave in perfect condition, but to skid in sideways, saying "What a ride"