Day One

I'm starting this journal in honor of Adam. He was never without one before that night. I wonder if he has one with him now. They took him from me so I don't know. I know nothing about what's going on with him. My friends think that knowing nothing, having no clues nearly eight months after his disappearance means that he's dead, but they are wrong. I can feel him, I can't explain why, but i know he's not dead. I know he's out there, but something's wrong. The only reason why he hasn't come back is because he can't. Something is standing in our way, but what?

The day I left them my friends, my family, they had no idea where I was, or where I had gone, but apparently Jude knew enough to put a tracker on my jacket. The bastard. I didn't want them to find me, I can't stand the thought that they think he's dead. They've given up, but when I got back to the hotel today, after I picked up this little leather bound book, I wasn't alone. Sitting at my little Formica table, twirling one the empty gin bottles was Jude. He gave up waiting to here from me, and refuses to leave.  I can't say I was surprised, but today of all days was odd timing, even for our little family. 

Early this morning, at dawn I was supposed to meet the Seer, but I was five minuets late. I'd bought one to many whiskey's in the bar and stumbled too much on my way there.   When I finally got to the meeting place she was dead, but not just dead. Something had ripped her into shreds. Her remains were eviscerated. Something ate her heart, but whatever killed her missed something.

In her hand was my slip of paper. The one she promised to hand me, the one she said would have the clue I needed.

I was expecting something elaborate, a location or something , but it was just one word. A name.

Gabriel.

The Wanna be Ex-Wallflower

Dear Friend, I've re-started writing this five times now. I know what I want to tell you, I know what I want to say but the question is how. I'd like to think you don't know who I am. I'd like to think you can hear the words your reading right now in head, like the small voice of your subconscious reaching up and tapping your shoulder, somehow getting your attention. I have a dream that I can reach out and touch souls, and speak to them, heal them. Crazy right, I know. It's my gift. Right now there is feeling coursing through my veins, and I hope by the time you've finished reading this, you feel it too, its a great feeling. There is a story I want to tell you most of all right now, before I jump to the present. It's a story about a girl, a little girl, so afraid of getting hurt she forgot to live. By the time she realized what was going on it was almost to late for her. Anyway,growing up this girl, had the problems at home that make teachers nervous, but some how she could smile. She had fun, she loved her friends, she was brave. It was in middle school everything changed for her. She was broken down. She was hurt pretty bad, not physically, not anything gut wrenching but it was bullies as usual. The little girl didn't understand why anyone could be so mean, so she shut down, she became a loner, ate her feelings, and only stood up when her friends needed her. It was a strange sight to see, a girl suffocating her own spirit, nearly dousing her own fire. She fought hard to stay afloat and worked on her grades, and hoped and prayed for High School, more kids to disappear behind. Funny things happened though, She joined a sports team, I wont say which, but she did, and she made friends again. She made a few but kept them at a distance. She kept everyone at a distance really except two people. Lets call them Sam and Patrick. If you've read Stephen Chbosky's "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" you recognize the names. Well Sam was a year older, a grade older, and was amazing, she was funny, talented with a flute, and wickedly smart. Kind of reminds me of Sam in the book really,anyway, she included the girl. Sam taught the girl how to breathe again. Reminded her what it was like to have a female friend who didn't stab you in the back. Now Patrick wasn't her brother, they weren't related like Chobsky's pair, but thinking back on it now...they were more like Sam and Patrick than anyone would ever realize. Sam was in Lab Bio with the girl, and so was Patrick. The two girls would bond, like a mother hen and her chick. Patrick however was a different story, well not so different. Just a little closer to the girl. They'd known each other well, and were friends off and on. It wasn't until High school, freshman year that they realized how close they would be. Patrick was the girls best friend. He'd be the one to save her in a lot of ways for the longest time. He was the one who got her on her feet again after middle school. By the time they walked together at graduation and left the school behind she was determined to change it all. She was so determined to break this shell, and cycle,she changed herself. She gave up everything she'd come to love, she stopped singing, she stopped writing for fun, she stopped dancing, she stopped joking. All she did was the bare minimum to skate by. She became the floater, never trying harder than she had to. her grades hovered and dropped precariously. As long as she could occasionally laugh, love and be free she didn't care...but it was an empty life, wearing the rose colored glasses. The girl fell in love for her first time in her Sophomore year, it was the happiest she believed she'd ever been, but she was wrong. It ended exactly 1 year and 1 day after they got together, and she was devastated. The foundation of her house of cards came apart. She was broken again and hated it. After getting some help, she realized what's happened. She gave up everything for her friends, she changed herself, and dropped everything that made her happy. I'm not that girl anymore. I've moved on. I've healed. Healing is a wonderful experience, trying but wonderful. I'm happier now than I have ever been. I'm determined to fix it all. I have never felt more like myself in one moment than I do right now. To borrow the words from Chbosky's Charlie I feel infinite. We waste our time trying to be anything more than ourselves. We give up when the work is piled high, we don't care what gold hides inside the experience. We think putting people down, and dressing like we are sexy super stars means we matter. But none of that matters! What matters is being ourselves and living each second of everyday, feeling infinite. Remember the goal is not to arrive safely at the grave in perfect condition, but to skid in sideways, saying "What a ride"

Supernatural Big Bad!!

Leviathans, also called the Old Ones, pre-date the creation of humans and angels, as well as the soul itself. They would also pre-date any beings with souls, such as monsters. They are therefore among the first creations of God. Death describes them as immensely powerful and hungry. Before God went on to create more creatures, however, He felt that the Leviathans threatened to consume and destroy everything 'in God's petri dish'. For this reason, Death states that God created Purgatory and sealed the Leviathans inside to contain them and their hunger. When Castiel opened the door to Purgatory quite recently and took in the power of the souls stored there (to increase his own angelic power), he also took in the Leviathans. With the help of Sam, Dean and Bobby, Castiel finally expels the souls back to Purgatory, but some of the Leviathans "held on". Castiel's Vessel is taken over by the Leviathans, and claim that Castiel is dead and no longer in control. They manage to guide Castiel's vessel into a nearby water catchment just before the vessel disappears in a whirlpool, releasing them into the water supply. The number of Leviathans that escaped from Purgatory is unknown. The Leviathans operate within a hierarchy lead by Dick Roman.[1] Their 'modus operandi' is to take on the forms of humans who have valuable skills, or are in positions that may be useful, particularly positions of power including the military and corporations. Their ultimate goal is not yet known, but they appear to be playing a long game, infiltrating human society and keen not to draw attention to themselves. Dick Roman says their golden rule is "there's no such thing as monsters". They are hunting down the Winchesters, as they perceive them as a threat. The Leviathans have sharp teeth within an expanding jaw, and possess a bifurcated tongue. They feed on human internal organs - sometimes with cheese. They can mimic a particular human being following contact with one, or if they obtain DNA from a person. They are then aware of all that person's thoughts and feelings, and even hallucinations.[2] All the Leviathans now outside Purgatory absorbed everything that Castiel knew, as he was their original vessel. When wounded they "bleed" black goo. Leviathan!Sam said that he once had a brother with many issues, and Leviathan!Sam ate him in the end - so they are not averse to cannibalism. 'Bibbing' was first mentioned by Dick Roman when he told Valente: "Next time, call me with a win. For your sake. Please don't make me bib you."[2] When Dick decides that Dr. Gaines's experiments are drawing too much media attention, he decides to bib him. This involves literally placing a bib on him, and then Dr. Gaines eats himself until nothing is left - except a goo stained bib. So far this is the only known method of eradicating a single Leviathan for good. Sam and Dean refer to them as 'big mouths'. Powers and Abilities Possession: Leviathans can possess any human they come into contact with in their fluid form. This person becomes their physical embodiment of sorts. These shells bleed black ectoplasmic blood when injured and can reshape their jaws to display long sharp teeth and a two-pronged tongue. Shapeshifting: Once a vessel is taken they can reshape it into any human form they touch. They require only a fragment of DNA to transform into a person; even lost hair will do. The creature possessing a little girl takes the form of a doctor by touching his arm. They can also absorb the memories of anyone whose form they take, much like a Shapeshifter, but without requiring the person to remain alive. It is revealed that certain humans like Charlie Bradbury and Bruce Springsteen possess a certain "spark" that means they cannot be copied. Super Strength: They are shown to possess greatly enhanced strength; at their first meeting, they are able to hurl Dean and Bobby across a room with little effort. Healing/Endurance: Leviathans are extremely resilient, surviving multiple shotgun blasts with silver shot, including one to the head at point blank range. One also survived and reassembled itself after being crushed by a falling car. They can even re-attach their heads if decapitated. [1][2] Weaknesses Borax: Leviathans are highly susceptible to materials that contain the chemical compound Borax (Sodium Borate) such as household cleaning products. Contact with their skin results in an instant burning effect that can reduce them to charcoal-like husks if they are exposed to too much. It is suggested that they will eventually heal from the effects, however. Their leader, Dick Roman, may be less susceptible to the chemical.[3] Beheading: Removing a Leviathan's head disables them temporarily. But unless the head is kept far away from the body it will re-attach itself. The combination of burning them with Borax and then beheading them and separating the head and the body appears to be the only way to put them down indefinitely, assuming the head has no way of finding its way back to the body. Witchcraft: Leviathans show susceptibility to witchcraft. It can incapacitate them temporarily. Leviathans on The Loose The first leviathan appearance is when they take over Castiel. As Leviathans take the form of humans, they are referred to here by their human names. Leviathan Boss - Dick Roman Annie, who later becomes Dr Gaines. Edgar Two Members of the Stockville Sharks Swim Team, who later become a Head Nurse and a Hospital Administrator at Sioux Falls General. Chet Valente - The FBI Leviathan Leviathan!Sam and Leviathan!Dean Susan - Dick's Assistant Joyce Bicklebee George Unconfirmed: Gwyneth Paltrow[2] Fred Savage [4]

Time has Passed whoops

HI, so I've been so busy these last few days I'd don't know heads from tails anymore. I've started my own online magazine. its called Fire & Ice. I was originally going to name it after this blog but I didn't think that title would market well. I fully intend to make money off of this magazine and get it printed. I've poached this next bit off of my about section in the paper, but it is relevant to this blog too. "Trying to start a magazine at 20 years old is hard. I am working my but off to make it the best I can. Growing up I never once dreamed of making a magazine. I hadn't thought about it at all before I sat down and made the site. I've begun something awesome. www.fireicemagazine.com is my baby. It's my heart, my soul, my blood sweat and tears. I want so badly for this to work, I sure I'll be able to will it into life even if I have to do it with my own two hands. I've had some stellar help so far, and great responses to the website but I'm hoping for more. I need more. The life blood of an online magazine is its relevance and turn around for posts. You need to keep up the posts and make them amazing or else no one will come back. I've looked for artists, I have one. I've looked for writers, I have some. I am writer so I've generated a lot of the content myself so far but this summer I'm hoping big things will happen for the site. I believe there are voices out there in this world just waiting to be heard. Each writer I've come across for the magazine like Sabrina and Emily have a voice. They speak from the heart and aren't afraid of what that means. I look at magazines today and see ad after ad and yes, that is how you can afford to sell magazines, but far to often have I seen the voice of the writers disappear. It is so rare anymore that I or anyone else I know picks up a magazine to see what's written in it. They sell sex, and clothing like there is nothing else in the world, but that is not what Fire and Ice is about. Yes eventually we will have ads like any one else but I'll be damned if I let the writers and artists disappear to make way for the ads. The voice is more important then the money it makes. The voice of our generation is so lost in technology ...Its time someone found it again, so I'm here everyday trying." I hope I'm ready for what I've gotten myself into. Like i said I never dreamed of making a magazine, before I sat down and started making one. So far so good. How many of you have tried something completely out of the blue and found out your good at it? I feel like I've stepped up to the plate and am finally ready to swing the bat. I hope this will be as good for me as it seems to be so far.

The Best Speach I've Ever Heard

Keith Scott's words to Jimmy Edwards in One Tree Hill Season 3 episode 16

He tells him it gets better.....

"It does Jimmy. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head thats saying there's no way out, it's wrong Jimmy. Would you please, please just believe me. It gets better. "

I does, I know it does. For those of you who read this and are thinking that no one cares about you, please know this. I do care about you. Just leave me a comment with your email and I'll email you, and we can talk. It does get better I promise you. I may only be in my twenties but I know it does. I was in that dark place and I got through it so let someone help you because. Once you realize you can be saved and there is a way out it will get better. You just have to let it.

Love you

Chelsea

Wish List

Have you ever heard of a bucket list? I have, they made a movie about making one. Well, for those of you who don’t know what it is. It’s a list of all things you want to do before you die. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life. I’m happier now than I have been in a very long time. I’ve learned a lot in the last few months and I’m all the better for it. I’m finally involved doing things I love, I’m trying to start a business for myself. I’m finally enjoying my life; I’m starting to want things for myself that I’d never thought of before. So instead of a bucket list I am making a list of wishes for myself. Ones I fully intend on making them come true. Things I am determined to make it happen.

My List ----

1.Graduate College
2.Shoot and Edit my own film
3.Get my book published
4.Start my own business
5.Stick my feet in the pacific ocean
6.Get my nose pierced
7.See Mount Rushmore
8.See Paris
9.Drink a beer in Ireland, a real Irish Pub
10.Get on a gondola
11.See Greece
12.Get in shape
13.Read the Bible
14.See Asia
15.Ride a motorcycle
16.Speak fluently in a different language
17.Fall in Love
18.Have kids
19.Be a great mom
20.Save a Life


What do you wish for yourself?

The Words I'd Like To Say To You!

Have you ever been in one of those moods where the words you want to say are sitting perched at the edge of your tongue? Ready, willing, and screaming at you to set them free. I have a rant sitting there ready to come out, and its been sitting there for days so much so I can almost taste the blood from holding onto them so tightly. I was taught that if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it all but quite frankly I’ve never been very good at following that lesson. I have been called names and looked at funny because of things I’ve let out and clearly it doesn’t bother me all that much.

I am an emotional and passionate person. How else do expect me to express myself? Words are my currency and I’ve never gone bankrupt. I don’t know if I’ve ever not had something to say. If that’s a bad thing I’ve never thought of it that way. I think if you can analyze a situation verbally, proving your understanding at least then you’ve learned something in your life. Understanding is a key component of life in my world. That being said, it is astounding how often I find something I just can’t grasp or understand. More often than not it happens to me when I am dealing with other people.

It baffles me when someone I know well is doing or rather not doing something that seems to me common sense. I know that just because I see it as common sense that doesn’t mean they will , but still sometimes things are so glaringly obvious I don’t see how it goes unnoticed. For example if you let someone else dictate your life because you’re afraid of hurting their feelings its worng. You can’t put someone else before yourself like that, trust me I know, I’ve done it with almost all of my friends and I’ve learned how unhealthy that can become for you as well as them.

So my advice, though you may not be asking for it is this….Don’t let the control you, if that is what they are doing then they aren’t a good friend to have, or a friend at all in most cases. Being a friend does mean making compromises yes but sacrificing things for your friends isn’t always the best choice. I sacrificed my happiness for a ex boyfriend and for two old friends of mine on countless occasions. It broke me apart, I became someone so unlike me it was terrifying to realize.

If you are afraid of what taking charge might do to your friend, pool your recourses. If you are attending a college, go to the wellness center, they should have some sort of councilor that you can talk to. Ask them questions; ask for advice on how to handle this person or situation. It helps a lot, I mean I wouldn’t still be sitting here without the councilor I see. Its nothing to be ashamed of by any means. We all need a little help some times.

I just hope that you will be brave enough to ask for help. I believe wholeheartedly that if you are able to admit you need help and go ask for it than you are one of the bravest people in the world.